I, Harry Potter
by space333
Summary: Sirius is dead and Harry can only blame it on Remus, the one responsible for everything that went wrong in his life, the one who is alive when his parents and godfather aren't, the one who held him back in the Department of Mysteries.
1. The stranger in the dusty cloak

Hi there! This story will be 15 chapters long; the first one is, hence its title, more like a "prologue". All the other chapters will take place during Harry's sixth year (but no HBP spoilers there).

Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to the mighty JKR. I do not make any profit from my stories.

Pairings: none

Rating: PG

Feedback: that would be nice, of course!

Genre: definitely angst

Beta-reader: Rosie! Thanks a bunch

Other: you can read the SAME story from Remus''s point of view (it's called "I, Remus Lupin" under my author name)

Ok now… on with the story.

I, Harry Potter

**CHAPTER 1  
The stranger in the dusty cloak  
**

"Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were" ─ Cherie Carter-Scott

**Beginning of Harry's third year. Great Hall, morning of the first day of school.**

"Yeah, let's ask Harry... Harry? Harry!"

Harry was so deeplylost in his thoughts that he didn't hear Ron calling him by his name, and even less felt Hermionegrab his sleeve.

"HARRY!"

This time, he couldn't pretend he hadn't felt Hermione shaking him.

Slowly, he turned his gaze to her. She was wearing a slightlyanxious expression and was looking intently at him, completely disregarding the eggs that were getting cold in her plate.

"What?"Harry said blankly. His voice sounded distant, as though his mind was still somewhere far away, lost in a dream.

"You all right?"

"Yeah," he whispered. "Yeah!"Harry repeated, nodding. "What were you talking about?"

"We're talking about Lupin."

_Right on topic then. _

Exactly what I was wondering…

"He's kind of mysterious" Ron said,helpinghimself to some porridge. "What do you think of him?"

_I'm thinking that I don't know what to think of him._

Harry turned to glance at the Professors' table. Even though it was very early, nearly every teacher was seated there eating breakfast. There were Hagrid, Flitwick, Sprout, Mc Gonagall, Snape─

And Lupin.

As Harry's eyes rested on him he realized thatLupin had precisely been looking in his direction. Harry could have sworn he'd been staring at him, too.

The teacher had been wearing a shabby old coat aboard the Hogwarts Express; and right now, he was dressed in a worn out black cloak. The image that would haunt Harry from this day on. That cloak, and the expression on his face. A contemplative and awfully miserable expression.

There was also a note of sadness in his eyes Harry could distinguish from the other side of the Hall, a sort of longing one had when remembering better times.

"Who is he?" Harry muttered, taking his eyes of Lupin. He didn't like being stared at; somehow, he felt uncomfortable.

"Lupin?" Ron shrugged. "Dunno."

"It looks like he'll be a good teacher," Hermione stated.

"Well he can't be worse than Lockhart," Ron replied.

Hermione ignored the sarcasm. "Did you see how he made that Dementor back away on the train? He'd have to haveused powerful magic…"

Harry's thoughts raced once again and he shivered at the thought of the Dementors. First, them. Second─ Lupin. He really didn't know what to think of him. He seemed to be a nice teacher… but at the same time, there was something strange in the way he looked at Harry.

_And how did he knew my name yesterday? _

"Did you tell him my name was Harry?" he felt the need to ask. "When I─ you know, when I passed out?"

"No," Ron said quietly.

"No," Hermione said right after him. "But─ people sort of recognize you…"

"It's your scar," Ron said. "He must have seen it."

"It was dark..." Harry wasn't convinced. "And even after the lights came on I had my hair in my face. I can remember it because I had to clear them from my eyes to see."

"Well it's not only your scar. Maybe he knew your father and since you look like him─"

"He knew my father?"

"I don't know… it's just a supposition, Harry… I don't know."

Harry remained quiet. There was definitely something he would have to discover about that man. He was so enigmatic, and at the same time, why did he appear so sad? So fragile, so tired?

_Yes. You'll have to find out who this man really is, right, Harry? _

He reminds you of someone, doesn't he?

No.

No?

Well…

Vaguely. He vaguely reminds me of someone I've seen. Or met, maybe. Distantly…

"I guess we'll find it out soon enough" Hermione sighed. "We're starting with Defense Against the Dark Arts this morning," she handed Harry the planning that McGonagall had just handed them.

He took it but stuffed it inside his schoolbag without a glance at it.

Thirdyear would be interesting. Either that, or it would be terrible.

Little did he know how right he was.

Only later would he discover who Remus John Lupin actually was.

Only at the end of the year would he find out that the man was a werewolf.

Only much later would he understand this man had once been one of his father's best friends. His godfather's friend...

And never would he truly understand what kind of life that man lived and the sorrow and grief that would never leave him.

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_A/N All right I know this was more like a prologue than a real chapter, but the next ones will be longer. Please review! (And remember you can read this story from Lupin's point of view too)._


	2. Not so stranger anymore

Hi! Before anything else (and before I forget), here's the disclaimer: nothing here is mine… except the account lol.

Chapter 2! This is where the story truly starts (as I said, the first chapter was more like a prologue). Thanks to all the wonderfull reviewers (see bottom of page) and I hope I'll get more feedback!

For those who didn't get it (I know it's confusing), I've posted two similar stories. This one, "I, Harry Potter", is from Harry's point of view, meaning you get his personal feelings and thoughts on everything that happens. Now, the other one, "I, Remus Lupin," is the same story (same events and all) but told from Remus's's point of view. It's a parallel story that you can read to get Lupin's thoughts and opinions (mostly on Harry, since this story is focused on them both).

Good reading!

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**CHAPTER 2 **

Not so stranger anymore

**Harry's sixth year. Morning of the first day of school.  
**

There was something in the air that made Harry on edge. Something he couldn't quite figure out; it was probably the accumulation of all the tension of the summer that was now menacing to take over.

The image of Sirius falling behind the veil hadn't left his mind; he was seeing it again, and again, and again, all the time. It was a nightmare, and it felt like he was slowly but surely becoming mad.

The image of his godfather disappearing was lost among the beams of light, the shouting, the confusion.

Then there was the figure of another man seizing him around the waist, fighting hard to maintain a grip on him, tightly, so tightly he couldn't breath, forcing him to stay away from the archway, away from the veil… making him unable to reach out for Sirius…

The one who had been the stranger in the dusty old coat. One of his father's best friends.

Lupin.

_God, Remus. __My father trusted you so much. Sirius trusted you. _

I_ trusted you! I thought you were my friend. Do you any idea what that meant? Do you know what _you _meant for me?_

In a way, Lupin had always been there... he had been the best friend of his godfather, he had been the one always knowing what to do, with the Dementors in third year, then later at Grimmauld Place... he'd never let him down. An excellent teacher Harry could always count on. A friend, in a way...

_And you─ you─ you betrayed me!_

Yes. In a sense, it was a betrayal. Remus had killed Sirius.

_Well, not exactly, right, Harry?_

Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew the truth. The one and only, which he refused to see, which he refused to even think of.

Sirius had killed himself; that was the truth. And Remus had saved Harry's life or he would have run behind the veil, too.

Yet that one truth he would never acknowledge. In a way, it was much easier to accuse Lupin of everything that had happened.

"Harry, you coming?"

It was Ron, waiting for him to come down for breakfast. Harry sighed, nodded and followed his friend. Down the staircases, along the whispering portraits, through the Entrance Hall…

They entered the Great Hall again for their sixth year.

The sight of Lupin seated at the Staff Table made him feel ill. He just couldn't bear seeing him there. He didn't want to walk along with him in the corridors every day. He didn't want to have to sit through his classes.

He wanted to be as far away as possible from him. To forget it all.

Harry stared at Lupin, barely controlling his fury. If he had to be here, then at least Harry would show him how he felt. He stared at him and waited for Remus to look back. To see the hatred in his eyes. Then, maybe, he would understand. Lupin, however, kept his head down.

_You feel guilty, don't you?_ Harry thought with rage. _Yeah, that's right. Well, guess what, Remus? It's too late now. Way too late. Sirius is DEAD!_

He knew he shouldn't feel angry that way, it just wasn't right. But then─ how else could he really feel?

Right after breakfast, Harry climbed back to his Dormitory. He only had one idea trotting in his mind: he would have to face Lupin soon. In Defense Against the Dark Arts this afternoon, right after lunch, he'd have to face him for a whole hour.

As though nothing had ever happened…

The other students didn't know Sirius had died in the Department of Mysteries. They didn't know Harry had been involved─ well, somehow, but not in that way. They had no idea Remus had been there. No idea he had been Sirius's friend─ no idea Sirius had been innocent…

_They don't know anything… None of it…_

And they couldn't understand. They watched him pass in the corridors without saying a word; but Harry felt they were uncomfortable.

_Because you know I know things you can't even think of. _

And the ones who knew─ Ron and Hermione─ didn't find the words to talk about it.

It was even worse─ a sort of heavy silence none wanted to break; unbearable, unspoken words.

When Harry climbed to Remus's class after lunch, Hermione and Ron's presence at his side weren't enough for him to feel calm. He shifted uneasily from one foot to another while waiting for Lupin to open the door, wondering what Remus was doing inside the classroom. Tidying up his notes? Talking to another teacher? Or maybe─ _thinking?_

When all the students had arrived─ a good five minutes after the bell, in fact,─ the door opened finally.

Harry looked at his feet. It was as though there was something forcing him to look elsewhere. If he didn't he knew he would explode somehow─ yell and shout insults or get so desperate that he would need to run far away. He knew if he set his eyes on Lupin then he'd have to talk. And talking probably meant having an argument; something he didn't really want in front of all his classmates.

In the summer, he'd met Lupin many times at Grimmauld Place─ another every second remembrance of Sirius─ but always refused to talk to him. He knew his behaviour wouldn't make things better between them─ and at the same time, he didn't care.  
He felt Hermione smiling slightly at his side and suspected Lupin was looking at him now.

"Hello," Ron muttered.

Then Lupin turned away and went back inside the classroom. Now that every student was walking in, Harry raised his eyes and carefully waited for Lupin to look somewhere aside before he gazed up at him.

_Still in that dusty old coat, are you?_ he thought dryly, then sat down at the back of the class with Ron and Hermione on each side of him.

Now, looking at Lupin, he wanted him to glance back at him. He didn't know why he'd suddenly changed his mind; but in that second, he felt sick of it all. He needed to let his accumulated rage out, once and for all.

_Look at me, Remus. Just _look_ at me!_

But it wasn't that simple.

In that moment he almost regretted it all. It would have been so much _simpler_ if he had never talked to Lupin outside of class. Remus could have stayed a teacher, and Harry a student. There would have been no extra lessons with him, no worries...

But he wouldn't have known Sirius.

God. Harry sighed. It seemed he couldn't even make up his mind between what was right and what was not...

In a way, Lupin should have stayed the stranger in the old coat.

So for a whole hour Harry stared down at his desk. After sixty minutes, he would have been unable to tell what the lesson had been about. His mind was somewhere else, lost in a sea of memories, of sorrow.

The bell rang. It felt like a lifesaver.

Quickly Harry grabbed his schoolbag and stormed out of the classroom as quickly as he could manage, then ran all the way down to the dungeons without looking backwards.

The next day, he had another hour of Defense Against the Dark Arts.

And with this perspective in mind, Harry might as well consider an hour of Potions with Snape relaxing.

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_  
A/N: ok, though I doubt Potion can ever be relaxing… that's it for today. Chapter three coming soon!_

PeridoMercury: well there'll be 15 chapters, so I already know where this is going. Thanks for reviewing!  
XxStarDreamerxx: Thanks! This chapter is longer than the first, but they're not that long; therefore I'll update soon.  
GGEgirl: Well I hope you'll enjoy the other ones too!  
Jackhea: Harry, Ron and Hermione were still in third year, don't forget that. Anyway, the story is mainly focused on Remus and Harry, so Ron and Hermione are only minor characters.  
Savvysuperstar95: I totally agree with you! Remus should get way more attention that in the books, he's such a fascinating character!  
JetGriffins89: yeah, all right, all right, I'll hurry up! Don't worry though I'm not going to leave this story unfinished… no way!  
Aimee:thanks! I see that you've read the one from Lupin's point of view too; I just thought it'd be fun to have two parallel stories…

Well until next time, bye!

Space333


	3. There's no way to help me

Disclaimer: I guess it's totally needless to say thatI still don't own anything!

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**CHAPTER 3 **

There's no way to help me

The next morning, he and Ron met Hermione in the Common Room to go and eat breakfast down in the Great Hall.

"What's that?" Ron asked suddenly, stopping in the middle of the stairs leading to the third level.

Harry stopped too and listened, along with Hermione. Surely, in a corridor somewhere on the third level, someone was responsible for making the noise they could hear. Like firecrackers or something close to it.

Hermione and Ron threw each other a glance. Ron shrugged but Hermione put on a severe expression.

"We're Prefects, Ron" she said, taking a step towards the source of the commotion. "We have to check it."

"All right" Ron answered, though clearly unconvinced. "But I'm hungry so let's hurry up."

Harry followed them. He didn't want to go down to breakfast alone, and also wondered what was going on.

And around the corner─

Malfoy was walking with Crabbe and Goyle, a couple of firecrackers in each hand. He quickly tucked them in his pockets and looked up at Hermione, Ron, and Harry.

_Shut up, Malfoy _Harry thought. _I'm not in the mood to hear anything from you, so I promise you, if you open that mouth of yours…_

Harry's hand darted to his wand. At the same moment, a couple of Ravenclaw girls appeared at the other end of the corridor, then two older boys from Hufflepuff. They all stood there, watching with interest.

"The Muggle born, the Weasley traitor and the parentless child" Malfoy snickered. "Still hanging out together? Tell me, Potter─"

"SHUT UP!" he didn't have the time to finish as Harry came forward between him and Hermione. Ron tried to hold him back when he came forward but it was no use.

"What? Can't control yourself, Potter?" Malfoy's wand appeared out of his own cloak. "Enraged you didn't save that godfather of yours or─"

Malfoy needed to shut up.

"Stupefy!" Harry yelled.

That's right. Shut up. Right now.

Draco ducked and fell to the floor, but it seemed his arm got into his face in the way because his nose started to bleed.

Harry was shaking with anger.

Malfoy got up with rage and raised his own wand. "Expelliarmus!" the beam of light hit Harry in the arm and sent him crashing backwards on the floor. He felt pain in his right hand.

Now Malfoy was going to pay for it.

Harry prepared himself to strike again when he became aware of the fact that a man had appeared around the corner; the last one Harry wanted to see there.

Lupin.

The bystanders from Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff quickly turned away, not wanting to be involved with whatever was going on.

Draco still kept his wand high in the air; he clearly hadn't seen Lupin.

"Malfoy!"

Harry closed his eyes and wished Lupin would just leave. He almost hated him more than Malfoy, because in that instant Remus had not only just shown up, he had shown up precisely when Harry was facing Malfoy.

Draco's eyes widened─ was it _panic?_─ as he realized a teacher was there, but then an innocent smile formed on his mouth as he lowered his wand.

"Potter attacked me, Professor" he said in an impertinent tone.

Harry didn't reply. He was looking anywhere but at Lupin, his face turned from both him and Malfoy. He needed to control himself…

Lupin walked in between Draco and himself.

_Wise move, Remus. _

Now I'll attack you if I attack someone…

He wanted to shout. To yell. To kick Lupin in the face for what he was doing.

_You killed Sirius and now you can't even leave me alone and let me do what I want._

"That's twenty points from Slytherin, Mr. Malfoy."

It didn't matter to Harry. Lupin could have taken two thousands points from Gryffindor for all he cared. That wasn't the problem.

"But─" Malfoy's smile vanished. "Potter started it! Why don't you ever take points from _him_?"

Harry turned slightly to see Lupin's reaction. Remus seemed to hesitate and bit his lips, but quickly seemed to take a decision. "It is in your best interests to leave now, Mr. Malfoy" he said menacingly.

Draco turned around, fuming, Crabbe and Goyle imitating him; then he stopped after a couple of steps and turned back to Harry.

"At least─" Malfoy said quite clearly, "I don't need a teacher to watch after me. Teacher's pet─"

_You have no idea─_ Harry thought with anger. _No idea how much I would love to say right now that I hate him._

It was his choice. He could take revenge on Lupin by replying a couple of well-chosen words like _You know, Malfoy, Lupin's too coward to act in time when needed_. He could humiliate Lupin─ how would he ever be able to teach Malfoy again?

Harry hesitated for a second too long.

"Enough, Malfoy" Lupin spat. "Until you want other points taken on your behalf. Draco stared at him in the eyes insolently but Lupin didn't reply to the provocation.

There was a silence.

"You okay, Harry?" Lupin muttered when Draco had disappeared. Harry noted he didn't dare stare at him in the eyes.

_I really hope you feel bad asking me that. I bet you're just doing… your duty, aren't you? Asking me as a teacher if I'm fine? _

I really, truly hope you're hating yourself right now. You know perfectly I'm not all right.

And you know it's because of you.

You want to help me?

Harry felt like laughing at him. It would feel so good. A cold, hateful laugh that would cut deep…

_You want to help ME? Who are you trying to fool, Remus? Are you actually telling me YOU are offering to help ME…? _

No way.

"I don't need you help" Harry said, his voice full of defiance. He was trembling. "I don't _want_ your help."

Then he wheeled around determinedly and went past him. Just the thought of seeing Lupin ever again made him feel sick.

"Wait, Harry" Hermione and Ron ran after him.

"Leave me alone"

"But─"

"Alone, Hermione" Harry said determinedly, and none of them spoke until a long time after, when they were seated in the Great Hall for breakfast.

Now Harry was dreading the moment he would see Lupin again. Not in a long time, in truth. Just that very afternoon in Defense Against the Dark Arts.

Risking a glance up at the Staff Table, he saw Snape enter the Great Hall, mutter a few words to Lupin, then both of them got up.

Only Lupin came back five minutes later. He looked tired, annoyed.

Then the owls came in. There was no mail for Harry; there never was. Who would write anyway? He had no one. The only people he knew apart from the Dursleys were Ron and Hermione and some students from Hogwarts.

_Well, there are Ron's parents, too._

Ron's parents. The only ones who had ever sent him a Christmas gift. Apart from Sirius…

He was saved the trouble of thinking about his godfather when Hermione tugged his sleeve. She was staring at the Staff Table.

Mc Gonagall was talking to Flitwick. Hagrid was drinking some coffee. And Lupin was staring fixedly at the Daily Prophet─ a look of horror on his face. He interrupted Mc Gonagall in her conversation, then things went on faster when Dumbledore came in, said something that made all the teachers get up, and all of them disappeared.

Harry looked around. Only a few students seemed to have noticed, and they all quickly went back to their normal conversations.

"What do you reckon's going on?" Ron whispered.

"I don't know" Hermione answered tensely. "Does anyone of you know someone who gets the Daily Prophet?"

Neither one of Ron and Harry answered.

There was something abnormal about the way the teachers had precipitately left the Great Hall. And Lupin had been reading the Daily Prophet…

_Maybe there's no link._

But with Voldemort's comeback─ well, even if it was true he had been quiet for weeks─ there was still that constant menace over the wizarding world.

"Let's go" Harry said as soon as he had finished his porridge. The three of them went back up to the Gryffindor Common Room, then Hermione climbed up to her Dormitory while Ron and Harry went to their own, though not slightly anxious as to what might have happened.

_We'll know it soon enough if it's important. _

But if it's important, then it means it's bad news.

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Well reviews are always appreciated… chapter 4 coming soon!


	4. Don't mention him

_A/N: Hi! Well I don't really have much to say... except enjoy (and I don't own a single thing)! Sk8er92, you're the only who left comments at the end of chapter 3, so I can't thank you enough for sticking with the story..._

**_CHAPTER 4  
Do not even mention him..._**

Once inside his Dormitory, Harry started stuffing his schoolbooks inside his bag for the day.

They were to start with an hour of Herbology, followed by double Potions and Transfiguration─ that wasn't, in truth, a very enjoyable perspective─ but though he chose his books with care, his thoughts elsewhere.

Why had Lupin shown up? Why, why, why did he always think he could sort out things just because he was a teacher? He had no right. No right to tell Harry what to do; no right to lecture him.

And no right to pretend he could replace his godfather.

Harry hated Remus, that was all. He hated him because he was still alive and Sirius wasn't. He hated him because he had held him back in the Department of Mysteries. He hated him because Lupin had asked that simple question: Are you all right?

That would have been the question Sirius would have asked, Harry knew it. His first thoughts would have been for Harry. He wouldn't have cared about anything else in the world; not even if he himself had been hurt.

Now he, Harry, hated Lupin for acting the way Sirius would have done. Because every time he would set his eyes on him, every time Lupin would open his mouth; every time Harry would feel his presence at his side, Harry's very skin would feel Sirius's absence.

You should have been the one to die, Harry thought.

You don't truly mean that, do you, Harry? You can't wish someone's death like that, that's not healthy.

Not healthy? You know that's funny you talk of my health here. It has nothing to do with the rest of it─

But Remus is suffering, too, and you know it.

Suffering? Yeah right. He can't suffer as much as I do…

He knew that was selfish to think. But he didn't care.

Sighting, he got up and walked slowly, to the small bathroom next to their Dormitory. Ron was in there, brushing his teeth; Neville was nowhere to be seen, and Harry knew Dean and Seamus were in the Common Room because he had seen them there before climbing up.

"You know what?" Ron stared at him for a while. He knew Harry's thought were dark lately. "You're lucky Lupin docked points from Malfoy this morning, even thought you were the one who─"

Harry let out a roar of anger.

"I mean─" Ron blenched, almost afraid. He took a step back when he saw Harry so red with fury.

"LUPIN HAD NO RIGHT TO SHOW UP LIKE THIS!"

"But─"

"WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS ON HIS SIDE!" Harry shouted again before finally noticing Ron's expression. His friend seemed scared so Harry forced himself to calm down.

"You ok?" Ron muttered after a few seconds of silence.

"Yeah" Harry said in a mumble. "It's just─" he shrugged.

Why can't I even bear hearing Lupin's name? What's wrong with me? He's not even here!

"Ihave to find my books" Ron said and he walked back into the Dormitory, though not without eying Harry closely on his way out, as if his friend was not totally in his right mind.

Harry took a deep breath and leaned against the wall.

Why I am so on edge? he thought.

Yet there was no need to ask; he already knew the answer. He just had to admit it.

There was a voice in the back of his head that wouldn't stop. And that voice was saying Lupin. Lupin.

Now it grew louder. LUPIN. That was the only cause of his edginess lately.

Rageously, he kicked the goblet in front of him and sent his toothbrush flying in the air. He caught it before it hit the floor and closed his fists.

When he turned from the bathroom he was more relaxed. He needed to control himself. There was a whole day of lessons waiting…

But then something caught his eyes.

Dean had entered the Dormitory and was standing there, talking to Ron, who appeared to have been stuffing his books inside his schoolbag.

Harry reached his four poster-bed without really thinking, but then he realized there was something wrong in the way Ron's hand had stopped midway in getting his thick Divination book out of his bag, or in the fact that Dean seemed very hesitant to talk; for an unknown reason he felt uncomfortable.

"Anything wrong?" Harry asked Ron, seeing his friend immobile.

"Dean wanted to tell me something" Ron said, finally reacting. He shrugged, and laid the book he had been holding on his bed.

"It's Professor Lupin," mumbled Dean .

Harry jumped. "What does he want?" he said aggressively, ignoring Ron's reproachful glance.

That's right, Ron. I don't care about what you think. You can play friends with Lupin, you can have fun with him and talk to him, or do whatever you want.

But me? I'm not talking to him again.

He killed Sirius. And you should know that.

"What does Professor Lupin want?" Ron asked with forced calm.

Harry wished Ron would stop saying the name 'Lupin'. It was the same thing as when Harry uttered the name of Voldemort; the reactions were immediate: a convulsive gesture of the hand and a wince.

Now it felt like a horrible pain was tearing his body apart, and he wanted to scream out the anger, scream out the frustration and the pain, scream out the memories.

If only someone could delete everything he had in mind…

That was what Ron didn't understand. Nor did Hermione, or Dumbledore, or anyone else. Again, what did they know about it all? What did they, all of them, knew about his feelings? None of them had been there that day in the Department of Mysteries, none of them had been there to see what had happened, none of them had had to watch Sirius fall… so slowly… as though he would be back in an instant…

Nobody had been there that counted but Lupin.

And Lupin had held him back.

Dean opened his mouth and the words hit Harry's ears abruptly. "He wants to see you, Ron─ but I don't know why."

"Who told you that?" Harry asked before he could stop himself. Thinking that Lupin had talked to Dean about Ron─ thus probably about himself─ was barely bearable.

"Well I know because─ because he's waiting for you down there." Dean pointed at the staircase.

"In the Common Room?" Ron said, clearly unconvinced. Dean simply nodded mutely, so Ron got up and went to the stairs.

Harry made a derisive sound and shrugged.

Lupin's waiting down there? Yeah right…

Perhaps he believes his presence is necessary…

Oh yeah? In the Gryffindor Common Room, right now? Before eight in the morning? You think he couldn't wait until this afternoon in class?

His curiosity taking the better of him, Harry followed Ron downstairs.

But it wasn't just simple curiosity─ no, just wanting to know what Lupin wanted wouldn't have been enough to make him go down the stairs to face Remus.

There was something else he needed to do. Something crucial because he knew there was no way he'd be able to keep on meeting Lupin in the corridors like this.

Getting down there would be a good occasion to tell Lupin, once and for all, that he wanted to be left alone.


	5. Down the Stairs

**Disclaimer:** Still don't own anything!

**Shadowsfriend:** Hey Biggi! don't worry I won't stop writing even if I have few reviews. Thanks for telling me I have an original idea though, it really makes my day!

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**CHAPTER 5  
Down the stairs**

When Harry reached him, Ron was already standing in front of Professor Lupin. Strangely, there was no noise in the Gryffindor Common Room. No laughter, no joking, no talking and chatting, nothing. Just many curious glances towards Lupin, Ron, and now himself.

Lupin was standing beside Seamus and Dean, facing Ron, and Harry averted his gaze, though not without noticing that Lupin was unusually pale and looked quite sick.

Then Lupin opened his mouthand spoke ina dry, low tone.

"Mr. Weasley, please follow me," he said, tucking his hands into the pockets of his long cloak.

_What, afraid to speak in front of me?_ Harry thought.

"What's he done?" he cut in shortly.

Lupin was going to be forced to speak to him now. There was no other way, unless he wanted to make a fool of himself in front of the whole eagerly listening Gryffindor Common Room. Harry felt himself taking a step forward so Lupin couldn't talk directly to Ron anymore.

_Just say it. Say it you don't want to see me anymore. _

That way we'll just declare open war and at least we'll be over with avoiding each other's glances.

Lupin stared at him in the eyes. There was something Harry didn't like in that glance. Something close to hesitation maybe─

_You can't hesitate. _

You can't do that.

As much as he hated to admit it─ and he never would─ Lupin's thoughts mattered a lot to him. Harry knew he'd never be able to lie to Remus. He would have wished it, but there was something that held him back. If he lied to Lupin ─the only last link to his parents and to Sirius─ it would be like lying to them to.

This paradox beyond his control felt like a never-ending pain in his chest.

"There's been─" Lupin started, but stopped abruptly.

Once again, he met Harry's eyes… and Harry stood there, unable to stare anywhere else. They were void and seemed empty, in a way, and suddenly Harry started to imagine what Lupin's life had been like.

He could see much, much more than before in those eyes. In a fraction of second, he saw his parents at Hogwarts when they were younger, he saw Sirius and Peter chatting happily, careless, oblivious to the events that would happen later.

There were pranks, and games, and fun, and Quidditch, and lessons, and everything else fifteen years old did at school.

That one time seemed to fade away as Lupin's glance grew colder. Sadder. It felt for Harry as if he was seeing Lupin's life for the first time, all spread out before him.

Now Voldemort was a threat. They were still together, all of them. Peter, Sirius, James, Lily, Remus. Lily and the Marauders. Padfoot, Prongs, Wormtail and Moony.

Harry was just born. Still, they held on to each other, but the Dark Side was gaining power…

Death Eaters were everywhere. Fear and dismay. Betrayal and deaths. Forgiveness and punishments, cold-blooded murders and terror. They had killed wizards Lupin knew, and it had hurt him deeply.

But it was nothing compared to what he had felt when Lily and James had died, when Sirius had betrayed them all─ or so he thought─ and killed Peter.

Lupin blinked and the memory changed.

Years later, Remus was teaching Harry in third year; he knew that Sirius was on the run and he was worried… Then there had been the happy discovery that Sirius was innocent.

_So why did you end up killing him?_

Whichever way he looked at it, Harry knew where it would lead him. It always ended up to the veil. Without it Harry would have ran to Lupin, right now, and maybe─ maybe apologized for having never realized just through how much Lupin had gone.

But the fact was there had been the Department of Mysteries. Harry forgot his previous thoughts; because it always endedat that nightmare. Remus was holding him back, and Sirius was falling.

Falling.

Falling.

Until he was out of sight.

Gone.

Dead.

Reporting his glance with hatred on him, Harry saw Remus still hesitating. What was Lupin waiting for? Why wasn't he speaking? It was weighing maddeningly on Harry's patience.

He meant to open his mouth─ he would make Remus spit out the words because he couldn't bear waiting─ but Ron was quicker.

"What?" his friend said expectantly.

"Just follow me," Lupin muttered.

Before Harry reacted Remus walked in the direction of the rest of the people in the Common Room. "Mrs. Weasley," he addressed Ginny. "Would you please come along too?"

_What?_ Harry stood there, puzzled. There was some sort of mental pressure on his mind now;as ifa part of his body was urging him to understand what was going on, while the other was too perplexed to try and figure out anything.

Why on earth did Lupin want Ginny to come among?

At first, up in the Dormitory, Harry had thought it was a joke. Lupin couldn't be waiting for Ron in the Common Room.

Then, upon seeing him, Harry had believed it had something to do with Ron's work. Maybe a late essay? Though he could think of none, it was the only possibility to explain it all.

But now, Ginny?

The girl looked up at Lupin with surprise then dropped the book she had been holding on the table. It landed there with a sickening thump and from a corner ofhis eyes Harry saw that Lupin hadpaled, if possible, even more. He looked strongly shaken, as though he'd just been slapped in the face.

_Who cares? _

_Don't say that!_A part of his brain made him hate himself for his own thoughts.

Oh yeah? WHO CARES?

One of Ginny's friends moved aside to let her pass and, stiffly, she came forward. The Common Room had never been so quiet.

Then, awkwardlly, Lupin turned away from Harry and everyone else and Ginny and Ron followed him.

Harry distantly heard the Fat Lady complaining before the Portrait closed, and only then did he realize he had held his breath for a long time. He drew in a big mouthful of air and, apparently, so did everyone else.

"What's he done?" Dean asked him as Harry was reaching the bottom of the stairs that led to the girl's Dormitory.

Harry shrugged and came forward to Parvati Patil, coming down from the stairs.

"Get Hermione for me, will ya?" he asked. His attempts to make it sound polite failed miserably; he realized it too late when Parvati's face flushed with angry colors.

"Now maybe you'd like me to get you introduced to the word 'please'," she spoke harshly, then ignored him and passed right in front of him.

_Girls,_ Harry thought.

Then he felt a surgeanger rise through him. "Fine!" he said, and posted himself right in front of the staircase.

"HERMIONE!" he yelled. He knew Hermione wouldn't like that─ but at the same time, she would soon understand there were more important things going on.

Half the students had jumped at his first call; now, when he shouted again, most of them stopped whatever they were doing to glare at him in annoyance.

"H-E-R-M-I-O-N-E!" he called for the fifth time.

Finally she arrived.

"What?" she seemed irritated too. "What?" she repeated more nervously, seeing the look on Harry's face.

"It's Ron," Harry took her by the arm and led her in a corner, then launched himself in the story of what had just happened.

By the time he was finished, Hermione's mouth had dropped slightly open.

"So?" Harry said eventually. "Do you get any of it?"

There was a silence.

"I'm afraid I do," Hermione muttered. "Listen, Harry, this might be bad. First the teachers walk out of the Great Hall precipitedly, then Remus comes back here to get Ron and Ginny─"

She left the end of her sentence hanging. It didn't take Harry supreme intelligence to know what she had wanted to mean.

Whatever had happened in the night and that was in the Daily Prophet─ because something _had_ unquestionably happened─ couldn't be something that made him wish he knew.

Especially if it directly concerned Ron and Ginny.

_Something's not right,_ he told himself.

Just what exactly was wrong, he would find out one way or another. Soon enough.


	6. Odd Behaviours

Disclaimer: oh I'm getting bored saying this: I don't own any of this!

Tiapotter16: yeah it would sort of ruin the plot, wouldn't it? Lol I'm glad you like the suspense anyway!

JetGriffins89: well Harry is sometimes slow on the uptake…

Thank you both for leaving a review

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**CHAPTER 6  
Odd behaviours**

Ron didn't come back in Herbology, nor did he show himself for Double Potions, or when they had Transfiguration before lunch. In fact, Harry had absolutely _no idea_ where his friend could be. No one had told them anything, no teacher seemed keen on discussing the matter. Sprout had refused to comment on Ron's absence, but had nonetheless frowned when she had seen Hermione and Harry arriving alone. Harry hadn't dared ask Snape.

In fact, as he walked up the stairs pensively, Harry realized the teachers' behaviours had gone beyond simple odd. Sprout had dismissed them early at the end of their Herbology class; and even Snape─ yes, Harry thought, that was right─ even _Snape_ had forgotten to give them homework.

"I wonder what's wrong," Hermione said aloud as they entered their Transfiguration class with Mc Gonagall. Their Head of House was unusually crisp, tense.

Harry wished he had an answer. He was about to speak when Mc Gonagall started the roll call and he had to close his mouth again.

"Granger, Hermione," she read the list to make sure they were all here. Hermione raised her hand beside Harry. They had chosen to sit in the back, both anxious; Harry knew Hermione was agitated and surely as worried as he was.

"Longbottom, Neville... Potter, Harry…" He raised his arm tiredly when it was his turn, and felt himself grow tense as the seconds passed. He chose to concentrate on Mc Gonagall but felt his thoughts drifting involuntarily as he tried to sort out all they knew to try and figure out what had happened.

But no. Nothing fell in correctly to complete a nonexistent puzzle.

"Thomas, Dean…"

If only Hermione hadn't stopped receiving the Daily Prophet.

If only he didn't have to see Lupin in Defence Against the Dark Arts in the afternoon.

If only he knew what on earth was wrong.

Suddenly he became aware of the silence in the room. It wasn't normal; it felt cold and empty despite the presence of everyone seated inside.

Everyone was watching Mc Gonagall so he imitated them, and froze.

She was staring at her parchment with an indescribable expression Harry could only depict as horror. Mc Gonagall hadn't called the last name down the list, and Harry felt cold running down his spine as he saw her expression turning to─ to sorrow. Yes, that was it; she was wearing an expression of sadness on her severe but apparently strongly shaken face.

As she realized she ought to start the lesson she finally laid the parchment down and straightened her glasses.

Both he and Hermione knew exactly who the last one on the list was.

Weasley, Ronald.

None of the other students really seemed to care; most shrugged and relaxed, taking their wands out to face the mice they were to transform into bottles of ink. Harry felt sick. Had they not even became conscious of the fact that Mc Gonagall had deliberately _forgotten_ to call out Ron? Did they think he was punished, or maybe had a family problem?

Punished… no way Ron wouldn't have told him.

_That leaves the family problem… which would explain why Ginny needed to come along… _

But they're all right, aren't they?

Harry scratched his chin and decided to suggest this to Hermione at lunch─ if Ron wasn't back by then. But as much as he hated the thought, he didn't think it was likely.

As soon as the bell rang, Mc Gonagall hurried out of class. Harry frowned; once again, it wasn't in her habits.

"There's definitely something wrong," he muttered. "Think it's his family?"

Hermione sighed in frustration. "I've thought about it… but I don't see why they would have kept it quiet if it had been the case. Remus would have told us if anything had happened to someone in the Order."

"So where is he?"

Dean probably overheard his last sentence when passing Hermione to get down to the Great Hall, because he bent in closer.

"What's going on?" He muttered.

"What do you mean?" Harry said as calmly as he could manage.

"The teachers─" Dean made an evasive gesture of the hand "─all worried. Lupin─ coming to the Common Room… Ron─" he paused and stopped in the middle of the corridor. "Where is he?"

Harry shook his head. If only he had an idea─

"Let's go and eat," he decided. It was enough that he couldn't help thinking about Ron without needing to discuss it with Dean and the whole of Hogwarts too.

"Maybe we should go see Dumbledore," Hermione offered when they were seated for lunch.

"No," Harry replied, looking up at the empty Staff Table. No one had shown up. "He's probably busy," he said, then stared at his dish getting cold. He wasn't really hungry, and, judging by Hermione's clean fork, she wasn't either.

They sat in silence for a while, listening to the other students chatting animatedly. Harry felt like a prisoner in a cell that didn't receive news of the outer world. All he could do was be a part of it and undergo its rhythm.

"Harry─" It was Seamus who manage to catch his attention next. "What's going on!"

"What do you mean?" Harry said with annoyance.

"I went back to the Dormitory to get my Quidditch Book… and the teachers… I saw them; they're all waiting in front of the Professor's room. Is there a meeting or something?"

Harry didn't reply and gave a meaningful look to Hermione.

It wasn't until half an hour later─ half an hour of dull waiting─ that the teachers came back. One by one they appeared from the back of the Great Hall to sit down, all wearing an equally disturbed expression of disgruntlement on their faces, completed by low mutters and frowns.

About half an hour later they took their leaves, but Harry sensed a growing uneasiness, maybe close to apprehension. It seemed Seamus hadn't been the only one seeing the teachers gather together. Harry picked up a few words here and there; all of them mentioned the teachers, most of them the fact that Lupin had been in the Gryffindor Common Room─ a very unusual thing that made Harry wince every time he thought of it─ and some of them had put two and two together, matching the fact that Dumbledore had called in a staff meeting and that both Ron and Ginny Weasley had disappeared after Lupin had come to get them; all, ending up to the conclusion that there _was_ a very serious problem.

It was with hesitation that Harry entered Binn's class at two o'clock; was he also going to show unusual behaviour? Unfortunately, the ghost was as boring as ever─ or had he hesitated a little when he had walked in?

Harry sat down at the back of the class, dropping into a chair beside Hermione. He somehow managed to see her take out a quill and a bottle of ink, listening avidly.

"Good afternoon…" Binns started, his ghostly shadow moving back and forth in front of the board; "today we're going to study…"

Harry yawned and bent over his desk, arms folded into a cushion for his head. He fell asleep before the end of the sentence.

The bell rang and he came out of his drowsiness with a start. Next, he went to Divination as Hermione went to Arithmancy.

Divination was never fun; but without Ron, it was downright horrible. For two hours, Trelawney predicted his death─ well, maybe not two entire hours, but it felt like eternity. She also kept saying something huge was about to happen, something that would change the face of the world, something that would break families and bring the wizarding world to its knees…

Harry feared it had started already.


	7. Surrounded by enemies

**CHAPTER 7  
Surrounded by enemies**

_Only more dreadful thing to do before the end of the day_, Harry thought. To him, going to Defense Against the Dark Arts was by far more awful than ten hours of Divination in a row. Just how much he would have given to escape ,it, he couldn't have been able to say.

He met Hermione on the way to Lupin's classroom; she still had an Arithmancy book in her hands. They came down the stairs from the upper levels of the castle in silence.

"We're going to have to ask him where Ron is, you know," Hermione eventually said.

"Tell who?" Harry could almost hear his heart racing in his chest.

"Lupin," Hermione said with irritation, waving her book around. "But couldn't you stop pretending that you hate him? It's getting annoying, you kn─" 

Harry froze, a hand on the railway. He knew he would have stumbled in the stairs if he hadn't been holding it.. For an instant he wondered whether he had heard right. Maybe he had a hearing problem; that, or the students around them were unusually loud.

Or maybe it wasn't really the Hermione he knew that had said the words. He stared at her in bewilderment, totally caught off guard.

The first question that came to his lips was 'how dare you? How dare you say that to me?' but he closed his mouth in time. He must have looked stupid, hanging on to the railing in the middle of the stairs with his mouth opening and closing simultaneously.

How could she ask this to _him_?

On the other hand─ yes, on the other hand, this was so much like her, being sincere all of a sudden.

_Maybe she's right._

Pah. The answer hit him with the force of a hurricane. She was staring at him with determination, expressing for the first time what she thought about his behaviour with Remus─ and what everybody else who knew probably felt, too.

_No._

No what?

No. She's wrong if she thinks I'm being stupid. She's wrong, because she doesn't know. None of it.

He still needed time to admit he was the one acting the wrong way─ if he ever admitted it. The accumulated anger still needed to come out, and he still had some things to tell Lupin.

Very well. If Hermione thought it, too, then he'd get over with it. _Without_ her help, if such was her decision.

Harry abruptly let go off the railing and continued down the stairs, as if Hermione was no longer there. She followed him and quickly caught up with him as they reached the corridor that led to their next classroom.

"Come on, Harry, don't you think it's time for you to recognize─"

"Recognize what?" he said aggressively, taking a step away from her and settling himself against the wall once they were near the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom. 

She had crossed her arms on her chest as she always did when disagreeing. "Oh, come on, just because you can't admit he wasn't responsible for Sirius's death, we all have to suffer from your attitude?"

_So you don't think he killed Sirius_, Harry gritted his teeth.

"Who ever said he wasn't responsible?" He retorted stubbornly. As far as he knew, she had no proof of what she advanced─ and she hadn't been there in the Department of Mysteries.

_You think this matters? They don't need proof to see that you're being a git, and you perfectly know it._

Yeah? Well you know what, just shut up.

Come on, just admit you were wrong and get over it! Hermione understands, don't you see? She's trying to give you the opportunity to get out of the mess you created, just seize it. She knows what you feel─

NO.

No what?

No she doesn't know what I feel, no she doesn't understand, no I'm not telling her Lupin's innocent─

Why not? Just because you're too proud to─

SHUT UP!

"Harry…" Hermione said pleadingly. Her tone was more urgent but also a lot quieter; now more Gryffindors had arrived and they were starting at them both with increased interest as the seconds passed.

"You're on Lupin's side, aren't you?" Harry said with disgust. "Why am I not surprised? You've agreed with him since the beginning─"

"Harry, stop it" Hermione seemed alarmed. He noticed a couple of girls sharing her Dormitory now muttering to each other. "Let's not fight over this at the moment─"

"You're the one who started it!"

"Please, Harry, there are more urgent things right now… think of Ron and─"

"Oh yeah? I bet Ron's thinking I'm stupid too─" More people stared. Harry didn't care, he was way past caring about whatever they thought. "Let me guess, does he think I should play the nice little puppet Dumbledore and everyone else manipulates? The little 'Boy-Who-Lived-hero-saviour-of-the-world' again? What? It's not enough that my parents died? That Cedric died? That my godfather died? I'm sick of it all. What do you suggest─"

The classroom door opened.

Hermione straightened up and muttered a 'hello, professor', a little red in the face after the argument.

Harry walked in furiously, throwing his bag on the first chair he found─ the one in the last row he always sat on in Defence Against the Dark Arts, and didn't look at Lupin anytime in the process.

It lasted for an hour. As Harry's blood stopped flowing madly in his veins, he concentrated on trying to act as indifferently as possible in Lupin's presence.

Now that he thought of it, Ron's prolonged absence was becoming serious. 

"Hermione," he muttered as they were to read a chapter of "Defence Against the Dark Arts for sixth graders". She raised her head with apparent relief; Harry's silence was probably weighing on her nerves since the beginning of the hour.

"Yes?" she didn't seem as annoyed as usual when interrupted in the reading of a book─ Harry suspected she already knew the chapter by heart.

"Ron─" Harry chose his words carefully "─he should be back by now, don't you think?"

She nodded pensively. "Yes, he should be… I'll ask Lupin where he is at the end of the hour."

Harry didn't answer─ the few words they had exchanged were far enough without them being heard. He didn't like the idea of facing Lupin at the end of the hour─ but Ron was his best friend.

He decided that knowing where Ron was─ and whether he was dead or alive─ was more important than his feelings for Lupin. He'd let Hermione speak anyway; and he could put his hatred aside for a minute.


	8. Do not pretend you do not care

_Disclaimer: sadly, I still don't own Harry Potter...  
Sorry it took me so long to update... I know it's been forever! I'm posting two chapters, I hope that'll make up for the delay. Riker15: thanks! JetGriffins89: lol I know what you mean... you both dislike the way a character reacts and strangely you want him to continue... thank you for the review!_

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**Chapter8  
Do not pretend you do not care**

He stood beside Hermione, a few feet away from Lupin, his face a perfect mask of coldness and indifference.

"Professor," Hermione started uneasily.

Lupin raised his head with an expression of mild surprise.

Harry did his best not to let out an exasperated sigh. _Come on, Remus, you knew perfectly we were standing there when everybody while everyone else walked out. And don't tell me you have no idea what we're here for._

"Yes Hermione?" Lupin said. His tone was calm, even friendly. It hurt Harry more than he wanted to admit. Hermione, Ron, Ginny, the twins… everyone had always considered Remus their friend ever since they'd been together at Grimmauld Place.

Even he, Harry, had thought Remus was an ally when he'd seen him at Sirius's place in fifth year. Not a simple adult, not a teacher, just a friend.

A friend who had betrayed him so deeply he knew the wound would never heal.

"Erm─ do you know─" Hermione stammered a little. "I mean… where's Ron?"

There was an uncomfortable silence.

"Ron─ Ron is not here for the moment," Lupin muttered, his words echoing strangely in the empty classroom.

"Is he─ is he sick?" Hermione tried.

Lupin shook his head. "I'm sorry, Hermione, I'm─ not authorized to tell you. An announcement will be made this evening," he said apologetically. "Dumbledore's orders," he gave a shrug that he hoped looked casual.

Hermione didn't answer, and Harry frowned despite himself.

_That's a lie. _

He's just not telling her because I'm here. He's taking revenge on her, withholding information─

"Ron's all right," Lupin let out a forced smile. "He's all right" he repeated.

Harry wasn't convinced. A knot of burning anger was forming in his throat, along with a need to yell at Lupin. Remus was being so stupid, why didn't he just inform them of what was going on?

"Ok," Hermione decided. "I guess─ We're on our way then. Goodbye, Remus."

"Goodbye," Lupin let out a sigh─ was it _relief_?─ and turned back to his desk.

_She's giving up,_ Harry thought with panic. _But we're not done yet! What is she doing? We still don't know where Ron is, Lupin's not telling us anything─_

Harry shut his eyes in an attempt to control himself, but he failed at it. He didn't follow Hermione out; instead, he remained standing with his feet firmly planted in the ground.

Hermione stared at him. "Harry─" she said hesitatingly, "Are you coming?"

He opened his mouth to speak, and the words were out before he could stop himself. "I want to know where Ron is," he said in a low, threatening tone. He wanted to meet Rmeus's eyes and see how desperate the man was; but he found he couldn't.  
**  
**Lupin, who had been stacking some of his papers together, froze. Hermione seemed to be silently imploring Harry to follow her out, but when he didn't move, she took a few steps and meant to grab his sleeve. "Come on, let's go," she said determinedly.

He pulled his arm away from her grip, and took a step forward in the direction of Lupin's desk.

"Tell me what's going on!" he almost yelled, his voice full of barely concealed anger. Lupin showed no sign of comprehension, so Harry waited. The seconds passed, meaningless. His entire body was shaking now, whereas Lupin seemed frozen on the spot.

At long last, Remus met his eyes, really met his eyes for maybe the first time in weeks. There was determination in them, and maybe─ maybe a sort of incomprehension mixed with regret.

_What are you regretting? That you killed Sirius or that you can't finish me off like you did everybody else?_

"Watch your behaviour there, Potter," Lupin said in a harsh tone.

Harry would have laughed out loud. Lupin's attempt at authority really was pitiful.

_Ok, you're regretting that you have to reprimand me? What would you like to do, take me in your arms to protect me? But who do you want to protect me from? Voldemort? Yourself? Or me?_

Hermione watched Lupin questioningly, then turned around and left when he motioned for her to exit the room.  
**  
**_Still pretending you're in control of everything? _

Is it the same control as in the Department of Mysteries?

IS IT?

The door closed, and Harry burst out, "WHY DO YOU ALWAYS CONSIDER YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS THE RIGHT TO KNOW EVERYTHING?"

"Harry, don't─" Lupin started, but Harry went on, mad to a point of no return, not knowing whether the words that he spat out were from his own sane mind of from the unconscious part of himself that had wanted to fight its way out since Sirius's death. "YOU KNOW WHAT, I DON'T CARE IF YOU WERE MY DAD'S FRIEND OR ANYONE ELSE! YOU'RE NOTHING MORE THAN A MURDERER!"

"LET ME SPEAK!" Remus yelled back at him.

But Harry was so enraged he seemed beyond control. "YOU WANTED TO MAKE ME─"

The door opened abruptly.

Harry fell quiet in the instant, caught off guard, and automatically turned his head toward the door. Before he had the time to do anything, Lupin took two quick steps forward and hid Harry from the sight of whoever had arrived.

"I heard shouting," someone said. Harry instantly recognized the voice. Although Lupin was still in front of him, he saw the shadow of Severus Snape closing the door silently before walking forward, a malevolent sneer impeccably drawn on his pallid face, his black cloak billowing in his back.

"Severus─" Lupin warned in a whisper. Harry could see that Lupin had squared his shoulders, as though preparing himself for a fight.

"Well, well, well," Snape replied, peering on his left to see past Lupin, his eyes focusing on Harry and becoming narrower. "Why am I not surprised?" he sneered. "Family reunion?"

Harry turned bright red with fury, then whiter than death. It was too much. Right now, he'd rather have Dudley for a family than Lupin.

"He's not my family" Harry said coldly, as Lupin walked slowly toward Snape. "He never was. And never will be."

Lupin stoped dead in his track. His back was still turned, but Harry could feel the tension in the room.

_The words hurt, don't they? _

Yet don't you think what you did hurt me even more? Why did you hold me back? WHY?

"Not your family?" Snape repeated in Harry's direction, insisting on every word to make it sharp like a razor blade, his sneer more pronounced than ever. "Should I remind you, Potter, than this man was your father's best friend? Your _godfather's _best friend too─?

Harry didn't wait for Lupin to speak. "You're no better than he is," he said with disgust.

He pushed aside a chair to walk away and closed the door loudly in his way out, wondering sardonically despite the tears now rolling down his cheeks what Lupin and Snape would tell each other.

He hated Remus. And he hated Snape even more. For what he had just said, for what he always said, and for the simple fact that he was still alive.

Snape was alive and Sirius wasn't. How fair was that?

He hated his life, and everything about his life; he wanted to disappear under the ground, to vanish and never come back, to forget everything and be forgotten. Yes, in that instant, he wished he hadn't been born as Harry Potter, the Boy who lived, the powerful and famous wizard who had defeated Voldemort, the saviour of the wizarding world, the planet's hope of a better future.

The sad, miserable, lonely boy with no mother, no father, no brothers and sisters, no more godfather; the sixteen year old wizard who didn't know what future awaited him, the sixteen year old wizard unable to speak and make up with Remus Lupin, the only one who still meant something to him.

Because despite himself he knew that, one day, he would have to admit Lupin was, as the last tie to his parents, more important to him than anyone else in the world.

With Lupin, Harry felt horrible. But without him, he knew it would be even worse.


	9. Speech

_Here I am again... here's the second chapter I promised you. Enjoy!_

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**CHAPTER 9  
Speech**

Harry was thankful that Hermione was nowhere to be seen as he wiped out his tears with rage.

The end of the afternoon seemed to stretch on forever. Ron wasn't back when Hermione and Harry sat down for dinner; there was an uneasy silence between them. Harry felt tenser than ever; the past twenty hours had been really hard. It had seemed to him that sleeping, eating, working and worrying had left him no time for relaxing a bit. He often wondered during classes what had happened to Ron, missing his friend's presence.

Harry heard all the whispers. Every student knew by now that Ron and Ginny were gone and that it was Lupin who had come to get them. They all knew something bad had happened, because the teachers were worried. They all knew they were on the verge of learning something they feared, something terrible, as if they were hanging on the border of an abyss threatening to engulf them anytime.

"Good evening," Dumbledore's voice echoes deeply around the Great Hall, making Harry and a good part of the students jump. He turned toward the Staff Table as the food was taken away from the Tables magically.

Dumbledore was standing, his arms stretched out to ensure silence, his half-moon spectacles low on his nose, and his magnificent grey beard conferring him a very serious and wise appearance. All the teachers were seated behind him. There was Hagrid, who looked, from what Harry made out from his seat, unusually ill tempered; Flitwick, Sprout, Trewlaney, Snape, all wearing equally disgruntled faces, McGonagall with severe pinched lips─ and, at last, Lupin, seating directly on Dumbledore's right, staring so intently at his dish that it seemed he was trying to see right through it.

"I am truly sorry to disrupt your delicious dinner," the Headmaster said. Harry shivered. He knew it was merely the introduction of Dumbledore's speech, but somehow, the voice sounded much chillier than usual. There was no note of hidden mischief in it, no trace of sympathy as there used to be.

"You are to listen to me until I am over with what I have to announce you. I ask you please not to interrupt me."

_Just like he didn't wish to be here_, the thought crossed Harry's mind as he saw McGonagall shifting rather awkwardly in her chair.

"Yesterday evening," Dumbledore stated as Harry felt everybody take a deep breath, "The Ministry of Magic was attacked."

Harry swallowed; Hermione gasped and suddenly Neville, seated near Harry, became very pale.

"This is just a confirmation that Voldemort is back," the Headmaster continued. "As for the casualties─" he paused as Harry's heart beat furiously in his chest "─as you will all learn it anyway, I feel it right to tell you that Arthur Weasley left us along with Cornelius Fudge and several other men and women dedicated to our cause."

_He left us_. The words had an odd ringing to them inside Harry's mind. Ron's dad had _left them. _

It means he's dead.

Dead. Dead.

No.

Harry looked around, anywhere, to find something─ someone telling him that it was just a nightmare, that there was a mistake, that it wasn't true.

Yet at the same time─ it fit in so _perfectly_ with everything that had happened at Hogwarts. Ginny needing to come along with Ron, Lupin not wanting to tell them anything, the teachers avoiding speaking Ron's name…

His eyes crossed Hermione's horrified ones, and then fell on someone far away, someone who stared at him at the same time as he stared at him too.

He met Lupin's eyes and for an instant, an infinitely short instant, his shock erased everything. Arthur was dead, meaning Lupin had lost a friend too, hadn't he? They felt the same thing, they shared the same grief; for his parents, Sirius, Ron's dad…

_What are you doing? _

What?

HARRY!

He couldn't do it. Not now, he couldn't show his weakness.

He wasn't weak.

But god, it felt good seeing Lupin in a new light.

_No._

Once again, he felt he couldn't bear it.

He broke eye-contact with Lupin again and stared back at his own dish furiously. There was no way he'd let feelings like that one infiltrate his mind, destroy the fragile stone protection over his emotions he'd been trying to built all summer. He breathed in deeply and listened to Dumbledore, still speaking.

If he understood the speech right, Dumbledore had decided that patrols would take place in the nights to ensure security at Hogwarts. Curfew would be at ten every evening. Prefects were to meet teachers in front of the staff room right after dinner.

Ronald Weasley being a prefect, he would be replaced.

And he, Harry Potter, was to replace him.

Dumbledore sat down and food reappeared on the Tables; but it took a while before anyone moved or talked or did anything else than stare blankly at each other. Finally, students and teachers alike unenthusiastically filled their plates.

The Headmaster was gone now, and with him most of the teachers.

"You finished?" Hermione finally asked gloomily when it was clear none of them were hungry. Judging from the odd glinting in her eyes, Harry knew she was close to crying.

Harry nodded quickly, not much better off. God, Mr Weasley dead... They needed to talk, so he seized the occasion to get up and follow her out of the Great Hall.

"The meeting is soon," Harry muttered to break the silence. He felt sick. "How about we walk around?"

Hermione didn't reply but didn't protest either. They slowly climbed some stairs, strolled around, not reaching anyplace in particular.

"God," she said suddenly, leaning against the wall. "Why did they have to kill him?"

Harry stopped walking too. "They don't care who they kill," he said finally, his feeling of nausea increasing. "They just kill. He was in the wrong place at the wrong time, that's all."

"But it's so unfair," she sobbed. Harry wondered for an instant what to say.

"Gather up some courage, Hermione," he chose his words carefully. She looked up at him with tears.

"What do you mean?" she wondered.

"When Ron comes back," he said tensely "He'll want us to leave him alone."

"I know."

"He won't be easy to live with for a while."

_Just like me_.

"You're right," she dried up her tears. Both of them knew Ron's father was just the beginning. More assassinations were to come.

They started walking again; Harry sighed from time to time.

"What's on your mind?" she gazed at him with worry.

_Else than my best mate's dad's death?_ Harry almost replied, but he knew now wasn't the time for misplaced humour.

"I don't want to pair up with a teacher," he whispered finally.

It wasn't exactly the truth. In fact, he didn't want to pair up with Lupin, but she understood perfectly and didn't reply immediately.

"I understand," she nodded. It seemed she was too tired to contradict him once more about Remus. "Just─ just─" she bit her lips and didn't finish.

They were reaching the Staff Room, which was well lit in contrast with the dark corridors, and the last teachers were walking in, one after the other, crossing the archway and disappearing from their sight.

Harry slowly followed her inside, noticing everybody was there, most of them seated already. The teachers he saw all wore anxious, tired expressions on their faces.

_Just behave, is that it?_ he thought coldly, knowing Lupin was seated among them somewhere.


	10. Paired Up

**Disclaimer:** all JK's...

**A/N:** My apologies for the (long) delay... I've decided to finish this story. Thanks for the reviews, and I'll keep updating this story from Remus's pov in parallel.

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**CHAPTER 10  
Paired up**

On top of it all, the only vacant seats where beside Lupin.

Harry hesitated a second; maybe it wasn't a coincidence, maybe they all knew and wanted to see his reaction−

_And maybe you're just being paranoid._

Hermione sat beside Lupin, and Harry had no choice but to take the chair beside her without a glance at Remus. He couldn't risk that again, especially not now. Not with all the teachers staring at each other and at him and Hermione, not with Snape seated right across the table and eagerly gazing from Lupin to Harry and back− at least they _had _managed to puzzle him−, not with Malfoy waiting exactly for an occasion to ruin Harry's life for good.

With a bang that made Harry wish he was anywhere else in the world than in this Staff Room, the door behind them closed and Dumbledore appeared down the stairs that led to his office.

Harry was taken aback by the worried expression painted on his features. Now that he was closer to him than at dinner, the lines of tiredness that etched his old face stood out clearer than ever; his fingers twitched his beard with a hint of barely hidden nervousness; and there was a discernible quiver in his voice when he spoke.

"You all are aware of what is going on," the voice was quiet and grave. Harry saw the Ravenclaw and Hufflepuffs Prefects shifting awkwardly in their seats. "Now it is getting late and I do not wish to hold you long. The Patrols start tonight."

Then Dumbledore confirmed them it was one teacher and one student per shift.

"Tonight: Harry Potter and Professor Snape will have the first watch. Professor Lupin and Draco Malfoy, you have the second. As for the third, it will be Professor Flitwick and Fawcett."

Harry froze. He didn't want to be with Lupin, but now that he knew he had to pair up with Snape, he wondered which one he'd rather be with.

_You expected to be put with McGonagall or something? _

Er…

Well you ended up with Snape.

What had he done to deserve this?

"Any questions?" Dumbledore asked.

No one moved.

"Very well. You shall report to the Staff Room at the beginning of all patrols," the Headmaster turned to Harry, Hermione, and the other prefects. "The first one starts in twenty minutes− you can go and warn your classmates that you will be leaving at night from time to time." The Headmaster gathered his parchments, gave a tiny nod to conclude it all, and wheeled around.

Hermione and Harry got up when everyone else did. Harry would go back to his Dormitory to warn his Neville, Seamus and Dean− as Dumbledore had suggested− and then he'd come back here to the Staff Room to meet with Snape.

He started to walk toward the exit, following Hermione out, but suddenly he had to come to a halt when she stopped in front of him or else he would have walked straight into her.

"What?" he said quietly.

She didn't answer directly, but instead tilted her chin back in the direction of the table in the centre of the staff room. Everybody had left but one man, seated there staring at his lap, apparently so deep in thought that he hadn't noticed everyone else had left.

_Lupin._

Thinking there, alone… well, not exactly. Not alone, because someone was eying him with loathing from the other side of the room. Another man in a black cloak who had a hand very close to his wand pocket, a curtain of greasy black hair on his forehead, and a very malevolent sneer.

Snape took two steps forward, headed toward Lupin. There was something on his face Harry didn't like at all; a mix of horrible anticipation and hatred, as though Snape could already taste the flavour of victory. It seemed that Remus, seated there without defence, would be weak should Snape attack.

Weak, and easily defeated.

"Let's go," Harry said determinedly, absolutely not wanting to witness whatever was about to happen. He grabbed Hermione's sleeve and almost pulled her outside. The door closed behind them.

"What do you think he was about to do?" Hermione said, panic in her voice.

"Don't want to know," Harry grumbled.

"Maybe we ought to go back and check if they're all r−" Hermione started to suggest, but Harry interrupted her.

"That's none of our business," he preferred not to think about what they were talking about. If they fought, perfect. But he'd rather not be there to see Lupin being shredded to pieces, as Snape was probably ten times stronger.

_Former Death Eater_, his mind told him.

_Former? Who ever said he's no longer one?_ it then corrected.

Tonight, he sure wouldn't forget to bring along his wand.

They took the rest of the walk back in silence, each lost in their own thoughts. The students that were still up were quickly walking to their respective Common Rooms, passing Hermione and Harry with discomfort, as though they already felt they were out of place.

"Good night," Hermione muttered once they were inside the Gryffindor Common Room.

"You too," Harry said rather lamely in return. "Hey, Neville," he told his round-faced classmate who sat by a window, reading a book. "I'll be back around midnight, all right? So don't worry." Neville raised an eyebrow, almost dropped his book, and gave him a confused sort of look. "Patrols" Harry explained patiently.

Then he went to relax on his bed for twenty minutes, almost falling asleep. It felt so good resting there. The thought of patrolling around the cold castle for three hours made him want to stay here even more. Sleep. Forget…

What if he stayed here? What would happen? Detention? So what? He'd had some already, it wasn't that bad. Especially if it meant he could stay here… he'd probably earn some anyways, because in three hours Snape had more than enough time to find the occasion to reprimand him, take a hundred points from Gryffindor, send him to Filch. The caretaker would be quite glad, Harry was sure of it.

_Why do I have to patrol again? _

Because Prefects patrol along with teachers. You're a Prefect, Harry.

He closed his eyes.

_Why am I Prefect?_ he wondered all of a sudden, half awake and half asleep.

_Because you're replacing Ron. You know, Ron was Prefect. _

Then why isn't he still Prefect? a part of him was perplex.

_Because he isn't here. He isn't here, he's left Hogwarts to be with his family. Because his father's dead, remember?_

Harry jumped out of bed. Seamus fell right into the pajamas he was putting on and let out a small scream of surprise, but Harry barely noticed.

It was time to go, more than time.

He sprinted through the empty Common Room, urged the Fat Lady to open up, crossed three flights of stairs in a breath before finally reaching the Staff Room.

Snape was standing there, looking at his watch. He looked almost disappointed when he saw Harry had arrived.

_No, you won't give me detention just yet._

Harry had come, because it was the least he could do for Ron. Ron would have grumbled, complained, repeated ten times he wanted to sleep and not come to patrol, that being a prefect didn't mean being a slave, that he needed to sleep because he was _human, thank you very much._ He would have said this wasn't a prefect's job, that anyway he hadn't even chosen to be a prefect, and certainly had never agreed to patrol with Snape.

But Ron would have done his prefect duties, he would have gone to the Staff Room, he would have stubbornly walked for three hours no matter how much he despised it. And, supposed to replace him, Harry would do it too.

For Ron, Ginny, Mr Weasley. Even Hermione would have wanted him to do it.

For Lupin, too.

_No. _

Not for him.

Yes, for him.

NO!

Snape eyed him disgustedly, and Harry wondered for an instant whether he had really fought with Remus, and if he had, whether Lupin was still able to walk.

"Let's go, Potter."

The order, magnified a thousand times by the stonewalls, sounded very much like a death sentence.

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End file.
